I think we are more likely to begin a phase falsely than to end it so. We often set out to match or exceed standards if our own invention, whether to impress or to satisfy some insecurity. None is innocent of this.

How curious it is that so much of our lives is determined by social “should” and insecure estimations of what modifications we ought to make in order to be our ideal self.

I suppose in the battle between epicureans and stoics I am floundering. I often find myself accepting dutifully the harshest of realities, while indulging myself excessively and with pleasure in the smallest of moderations. Why must it fee harsh to be accepted easily? And why are the simplest pleasures to be the only area of indulgence?

When it comes down to the facts, I am a sucker for manners. I really do prefer politeness to many mannerisms. So long as my indulgences are personal and minor, no matter how prevalent, I believe that I am harming no one, I can hurt only myself, and so I accept the risk. With larger problems, i feel the audience. A person in need is an attentive friend. Manners and an elevated sense of “should” comes naturally and to some extent, flatters our ego.

I’m going back to the place where I first started writing to you: Cairo, Egypt. There are many mixed feelings one has when facing their past, head on. Worry that it will be alluring and feelings of regret or loss will sink in. Worry about where we have come in our lives and about who we want to be. Comparisons of all kinds… Like meeting a meaningful former lover, somewhat expectedly, but still without quite knowing what to expect.

As with all meetings, confidence has everything to do with it. One who has progressed significantly in their live might be unshaken by the idea of looking backwards, but may also be all together too cocky. One who is floundering, might be tossed completely off course. What I mean to say, of course, is that revisiting our past has a way of allowing us to measure growth.

If unlearned history really does repeat itself, then what can be a more valuable measure of truth?

Time and progress are good friends, ‘healing all wounds’ and so forth. But how long is it before one might be adequately distanced from the past to be an unbiased onlooker upon their own life? That’s the trick.

When facing history head on, I believe in tough love. Pluck up your courage, pack your suitcase, and travel light. Don’t waste your time stewing about what might have been, and don’t laugh too hard or too confidently at the lessons that brought you to where you are today. Like the path of my life, I find that I’m halfway between the Americas and Europe, in the wake of a disaster, but weathering the slight turbulence well with a an eye on the map and time to my final destination.

From: x@x.edu
Sent: Thursday, April 22, 2010 3:39 PM
Subject: AWESOME: X Fraternity

THIS MESSAGE WAS SENT OUT ONTO THE X’S LIST SERVE HAHAH WE DON’T KNOW WHO IT IS BUT JUST READ IT ITS HILARIOUS

Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn’t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can’t imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say
or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

–

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under ‘L’ for ‘Long-winded diatribes from drunken whxres I couldn’t care less about’. You did a stupid thing huh? No…doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is ‘a stupid thing’; Mixing in a red Sock with a load of whites is ‘a stupid thing’; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much raisin bran that morning isn’t as much a ‘Stupid thing’ as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying ‘Well, I didn’t Fxck him’ somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world ‘looked funny’ to you yesterday. Since your World revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill cxm-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child pxrn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

Talk to you never,
Brad

The point? I often go on and on about Feng Shui, whose basic principles are to eliminate clutter and to psychologically stimulate success in the various genres of life issues. The most OCD of us (of which category I am nearly a member while still being prone to organized chaos) may be nagged about a stay hair-tie on the counter, the glass in the sink or the fact that our towel fell off the rack, and nearly all of us have a small worry in the back of our minds that clutters up our thought processes and daily life.

I often think back to surprisingly clear moments in childhood where I felt “carefree”. Without responsibilities, relationship risks, financial concerns, and the rest of that fun stuff… everything we enjoy is both a little more genuine and a little taken for granted. It seems to me that we work the rest of our lives to get back to that state, as the duties and complexities of adulthood mount and the years go by.  Working for a company that specializes in work-life balancing, you’d think my skills would only become more honed. But as I attempt to approach the child-like state of enjoyment again it seems elusive. I suppose what it comes down to is rather in line with a lovely quote from Socrates, who said that “The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be.”

In relationships, workplaces, and even friendships and families, we adapt and change ourselves to be “pleasant” and have a hard time prioritizing. Some of us are too impulsive in putting “ourselves” first and don’t see the benefits of long term strategy, while others constantly give in to others or have a “need” to please. Our childhood state, where we said and did exactly as we felt, is completely forgotten. Just imagine how simple things would be if Socrates’ quote were our personal mantra… at least you would be confidant that, win or lose, you had no regrets, no loose ends, and no second guessing. When it comes to administrating, prioritizing and Feng Shui-ing our lives we can’t all quit our jobs and spend our days attending to every detail, but we can learn balance through brutal honesty with ourselves.

I believe that many people who have “mature” childhoods have this habit, others are those who go through a great shock in their lives or who are changed by difficult experiences. We continue to live, like cockroaches, despite anything that comes at us in life. This has served me well and I am grateful for it, despite the unpleasant comparison to a cockroach, but it also means that sometimes I look around me and I cannot remember who I am anymore.

I’m not writing from a sense of depression or distress, but a calm and heavy place where I see my life in the third person. I used to always say that we molt like caterpillars, or shed our skin like snakes, many times in our lives and that during those strange phases of becoming our future we often feel out-of-place. I identified this cycle in myself at a very young age and was thus able to collectedly endure it. But, as time goes on, it seems this takes longer and longer to pass. I guess at this point I have so much weight to cast off that its far more difficult.

My mind tells me I am very blessed to be where I am, to have what I have and to be occupied successfully in a daily life that offers me recognition, a good salary and lessons in responsibility. I cannot, however, shake a feeling that I am not meant to be where I am for very long. Or perhaps its the feeling that something must change. They say that predictions often come true by simply identifying them and thus causing your own feelings to become reality. Maybe it’s me that causes my flight from place to place, idea to idea.

Something that has struck me about twitter, which many of you know I use regularly, is how important everyone seems to think their life is. Every single person believes that what they see, feel and experience is the epitome of life’s example. A deep distress for one human and a great ecstasy is the same as another’, without consideration to their location or circumstance in the grey scale of worldly actions. The difference, really, is how much it affects you and how.

They say that times of excess bring out the truth in things. You learn what you can live without, what really matters, and how to appreciate the “simple things” in life. You go on. It’s fascinating really to consider our relative significance, scope of emotion, and intellectual abilities. But enough philosophy…

We cannot get so caught up in the day-to-day that we forget to look around us. In order to choose our path we must be paying attention to the maneuvers of the road. We all love to get caught up now and then, but only a true level of self-awareness ensures that we remain guided. There is something terribly admirable about a person whose responses are direct, honest, un-wavering and unapologetic in that they are quite sure of themselves. I don’t mean conceited. Ask yourself questions, even if it’s a re-evaluation of whether you feel good in your own clothing style or enjoy the decor of your apartment. What do you really like to eat? What do you do when you are alone?