is that all there is?

Sometimes tragedy heightens our awareness of the world; likewise, happiness transforms our outlook. To all of you who read this, you will know that for the last few weeks I was suddenly alleviated of all troubles in my relationship and I felt for the first time in a while happy and confident enough to have that fresh outlook on love and life. The kind that comes from contentment and feeling that you are just where you want to be. Even M said so, “why are you so happy”. I told him because things between us were good and I was happy with my writing and feeling secure for the first time. Last night that all changed. It didn’t just reopen an existing issue, it went further than any problem has even gone before. The temper said and did things that M can’t undo and suddenly from the happiness comes to nothing. Not just a problem, but a problem you can’t easily return from.

People often say things like, everyone deserves a second chance or if it’s meant to be it will happen. But are these just the party lines we use to delay the inevitable and avoid telling our friends that the worst has happened? Some say that we know in hearts what is right and wrong, or in our minds… that we have a sense of rational behavior which allows us to measure when to walk away and when to stay. Maybe this knowledge comes with time, since our mothers and grandmothers always seem to have the knowledge that we are missing. But as my mother just told me, “Sometimes we don’t get from the people we love what we want; like trying to get water from a stone. In which case we have to walk away and find someone that will give it to us.”

The one thing I can say, is that time DOES tell us everything we need to know. Inevitably what will come to pass does, and whether we get over lost loves or rebuild them, the future holds the answers not our present or our pasts. For all the energy we spend wondering, analyzing, bouncing ideas off our friends… there always comes a day when we look back and it doesn’t hurt anymore. This may not be enough to ease our pain in the present, but at least it’s a reminder that “this too shall pass”… until then, I am reminded of a lovely song that is a favorite of my grandmother. Perhaps this knowledge from those who come before us generationally can teach us by force if we learn the lessons we don’t seem to want to absorb.

… Then I fell in love, head over heels in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other’s eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day he went away and I thought I’d die, but I didn’t,
and when I didn’t I said to myself, “is that all there is to love?”

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing
Let’s break out the booze and have a ball
If that’s all there is