frog in a pot of boiling water

I’m obsessed with a Lady GaGa song called Speechless, where she croons about hearing bad news and getting rejected by a lover. Now, as depressed as it seems, I say this with enthusiasm. A week or so ago, I twittered that I couldn’t believe how much we forget how nice it is to be loved and crushed on until it goes missing from our lives. Whether we are in a bad relationship, a stale relationship, or even a healthy relationship that has made it to that “comfy” stage, we all tend to feel a gnawing pang that urges us to flirt, cheat, dump or spice up. In reverse, sometimes we don’t appreciate the obvious until we have time to feel its loss.

In a phone conversation with a friend, she asked me whether her love interested (known since childhood) would think it was desperate if she called twice and he didn’t answer following her break-up from her fiance in order to tell him she was still in love with him. I explained to her that, for better or worse, changes in significant others usually happen so gradually that we tend not to notice quickly. Like a frog, who will jump right out of boiling water if thrown in hot but will sit happily in luke warm water as it heats to a boil, these transitions are incubating. We sit in the luke warm water, not noticing the changes, until the boiling water has put us in an intense situation.

In my case, I was being pursued by a younger man. I have to admit that, though I have never in my life dated a guy who was less than two years OLDER than me, he was the best pursuer of my life. I got gifts, but not mindless flattery… given in the right way (surprise emails with manicure gift certificate on a hard day) or to the right end (a BlackHawks hockey t-shirt when I moved to Chicago, because I’m a huge hockey fan) etc. etc. etc. I eased into the enjoyment of it so gradually that up until the last hour, when I later realized I might have said yes to dating him if I had listened to my heart, I was saying no. Now there are many reasons for this, and I don’t regret it or waste energy on it now, but when the other shoe dropped and there was a ringing silence where his attention used to be, I felt it. Hard.

Now the frog who has died in the boiling water doesn’t need to deal with the wake, but we all eventually get out of the hot seat and have to face the cold reality. Some of us, like me, over analyze the gritty details while people like my friend can’t see the obvious when it sits right in front of their face. I never noticed myself warming up to him, but I definitely felt the transition from hot to cold.

third world

Last night when I was running, the sound of Arabic music brought tears to my eyes. Today, when I was at work and targeting our ad campaigns, when I unchecked the “Egypt” option from the world’s nations, I stared at it’s location on the map before dragging the focus to another part of the world. I can’t explain what I felt, but it is fairly obvious that there is a significant part of me that misses the place I spent two years of my life in. I can’t tell if I broke up with a person, or a place, but I think it was both. When the only reason for doing something is a person you care about, that task or action becomes part of your vision of them. My relationship was irreplaceable, for better or worse, because it can never be duplicated.

With other interests in pursuit, I find myself dragging my heels. I don’t know why I can’t move on, when the thing I am moving on from was absolutely terrible. The grief, stress and emotional pain I endured was immense, but for some reason I cannot shake of the “what-if” syndrome. They say that victims of abuse often have this feeling, and I hate to be the rule rather than the exception, but I suppose that I can’t rationalize everything away. Since ending my relationship, I have spent very little time looking back. I didn’t question it, or hope without reason or rational. But it does hurt.

I think its comparable to veterans who come back from war. Life is different, and while they drop in to their normal lives again and missed home and calm terribly, they got used to the chaos. My head is still in that third world country sometimes, and I often look around the streets of Chicago wondering why it’s so empty when I know it must appear so only because of where I left to join it.

inuit love

To begin to summarize what has happened in my life in the last two months wouldn’t do justice to either my heart or my brain, so for now we’ll suffice to say my world is completely different. Being back in the starring role of my own life was a reaffirmation of many of the internal warning signs I rationalized away, and today I see just how lost love can make you. What’s more, is that I have to wonder… if something is bad for you, do you really love it? Where is the line between addiction, lust, distraction, insecurity, affirmation, and LOVE. How can we love someone who is “wrong for us” or who “drives us crazy”? Maybe, like the Inuits who are famously known speak of snow in many different terms based on its characteristics, we need many ways to speak of love. To say that we have loved all our past significant others doesn’t seem to do justice to the unique circumstances we had with them, for better or for worse, nor is our feelings during one relationship the same as our feelings in another.

Today was the first day of snow here in New York City and I enjoyed the variety of a wet day after a long dry Egyptian chapter. Without another person to consume my emotions, attention and time I’ve had to stare myself in the face on many occasions and realize how much is given up in love. Although our tongues may say we love, our gut speaks love in as many variations as the Inuit snow and I suggest you listen to it.

Identity Recycling Bin

Let me paint you a little picture. I’m sitting alone, but on “my side” of the bed in the Four Seasons hotel. On my right is a big dish of chicken curry (but made by Egyptians, so it really tastes very little like authentic curry and more plain yummy) a large bottle of my favorite drink, San Pellegrino, and my trusty little Sony on my lap. I’m using the menu of a great sushi place called Aqua (that I like to get brought up to the room) as a mini desk to make writing easier.

I was thinking that maybe I haven’t touched this page in so long because it’s about my life, and I really haven’t known what that IS all about for a little while now. When I came back from Istanbul I was on a high, and as well all know from statistics and common sense, those things rarely last out. So I did everything in my power to keep the up, up. I feng shui’d the ENTIRE house, landed a dream job that I adore, and got a roommate who is actually a perfect house mate for me. Notice something missing? An obvious unmentioned person?

The trick to personal success is in the name. It’s personal. We set our own standards, make our own first and lasting impressions, and we chose the path we go down. My grandma always tells me (although SHE is referring to dating an Egyptian muslin) that I “better be sure that the train I am on is heading in the direction I want to go”. And that’s really the truth of it. I was so caught up in other things, one another person, that the blinders had to come off and I needed to ground myself in real life again. The missing mention, my boyfriend M, is actually not missing at all. He’s simply not the main character in this sitcom anymore, he can be downgraded to “supporting” , to stay with the pun. I am sure many of you can end that statement with a big round of applause!

A friend of my roommates is one of the most disastrously heartbroken people I have ever met, and she confirms this story. Her boyfriend, who dumped her four months ago and she still hasn’t accepted it,  has now ended things with her twice. The first time she had no friends, no job, no goals and even her house was shared. When he left, she was left alone in the world, instead of just in the space. The awareness of this kind of dependency and focus within a relationship isn’t healthy for anyone. Not him, not her. You must have your own life in order to invite someone into it, and anything you build with another person is beautiful, but you can’t forget the foundation.

Too many of us begin to replace what we thought of us single behaviors with relationship behaviors, before we realize that we threw our identity into that same recycling bin.

setting the tone

After phone a US based perfume company to do some address verification for a held internet order, M had his ordered cancelled by the woman “assisting him”. Her words to him were that “she didn’t like his tone”, and his words to me on the subject were certainly not in her favor. This raises questions.

One fundamental difference between many Egyptian men that I had seen, met or heard of is how they deal with emotions. There is no shame here for a man to fall head over heels in love, to display infatuation or attraction, or to yell his head off when he is angry. Often in a discussion I have asked M why he is “yelling” and he has almost always responded that he is not yelling, he is being clear. There are certain cultural standards that are simply opposite; in the US, careful attention is paid to a polite tone and regulation of emotions in public settings, in Egypt, little regulation is expected unless you are speaking to a superior.

In our relationship, we have encountered this exact dilemma. Most of the conflicts arise from the way we handle our emotions, choose our words, and react. We all believe we are right in our ways and social customs, so of course I am inclined to say that “he doesn’t know any better”, to use a condescending phrase. I have lived here for a year and seen daily examples of why certain things he does seem perfectly normal to him. In fact, here, I am the one with the “high” or “difficult” standards. Whether this is an anthropologically unanswerable question, or not, some balance must be achieved between our polar norms.

In every relationship, you must make some type of observation and study of your mate. Like an anthropologist, you observe the subject in their natural circumstances in order to better explain and comprehend their composition. We examine their family relations, how they chose their friends and how clean their houses are. Every detail paints a picture of the person. But the first rule of Anthropology is to be an indifferent, and uninvolved observer. You never interact with your subjects, so as not to compromise the “natural” results of your observation.

In a relationship, our approach is usually the opposite. We begin dating with a set of our own standards by which we plan on sizing up our dates and mates. We ask for changes, teach them what we like, and watch them alter their behaviors, considering them a sign of love. In return, we do the same.

If Anthropology as a social science has the best approach to gathering factual data, for those of us without psychology background or lie detector technology at our disposal, this means that our impressions will always be a little misleading. How can we set the tone of a good relationship?

Today is the first day alone in the house with my new roommate, who has recommended that I read a book by a woman who speaks about everything in life coming down to a thought process. She says it changed her life. No matter what is going on, this book claims, you can fix the problem by correcting the way your brain processes it. Every emotion, choice, etc. is a result of these intricate brain programs. Perhaps, like indifferent and impartial observation, the trick to observing our significant others is clear thought and healthy mental habits. Like a college degree to train you for a profession, cleaning up mental clutter and streamlining your thoughts and habits can be the toolkit for proper relationships and personal habits.

good on paper

Having spent the last day finding the best way to pitch my abilities and ideas for the director of my dream job, I got to thinking about how to lay out the facts and abilities I possess. The key to writing these types of proposals is to be concise, straight-forward and actionable. You never promise what you can’t deliver but you never sell yourself short.

In fact, how do we all put ourselves down on paper? We have all often spoken of significant others, or dream lives, in the format of checklists. He or she must have these qualities, and never those. Yet as with pitches, there is usually something missing when we allow precision to dictate our possibilities. At the end of the day, our projections seldom come out to be as we expected. This is usually for the better.

As I sit now, I am watching a movie in which a leading lady has just said that sometimes in life we must make decisions, and that opportunities do not always come to us at the right moments but yet, we must seize them or say goodbye. Spontaneity is an amazing tool in life, and sometimes the best thing we can do is loosen up the reigns and live in the day. If not to neglect our goals and deadlines a little in the hopes of encountering unexpected delights, then to look for silver linings and affirmations. Sometimes being caught off guard turns our “good on paper” plans into adventure novels, but the difference is that while we write our business plans before action, the adventure is usually recorded after we have learned from it.

the eye

Sometimes we need to stop and collect our thoughts. Some people label this feeling as “being in a slump” or “not ourselves” and have no problems making those close to them aware of their temporary funk, while others simply feel out of sorts but trudge forward dutifully without ever really putting a label on it. Of course, there are all combinations and variations of this, but we’ve all been there. Periodically, I believe, we all wake up to find that the bearing we set, and the course we are on, needs to be adjusted. Perhaps we have changed destinations all together. The deeper the change, the more difficult this transition can be depending on what was lost and what was gained. But there is also another type of change; the kind that happens gradually, that can ruin marriages, careers and friendships if not monitored, because with every day that passes we evolve and if we do not keep our loved ones and our goals “in the loop” we can easily wake up one day and not recognize ourselves, why we are in our jobs or why we are surrounded by those we are surrounded by.

For me, I feel rather like a snake shedding its skin. I slip into a period of deep observation. I Feng Shui, I diet, begin exercising (which I’ve always had a hard time keeping in my regular routine) and I set strict goals and to-do lists. If I didn’t live alone, I’m sure about this time someone in my house would label me as a neurotic or obsessed, because everything is in its place and my schedule is a strange and impulsive mix of impulse and regulation. We all have our different patterns. During this time, you may have noticed, I really produced rather little in the blog. This is not due to lack of intuitive, mental or romantic activity, but rather it is like the calm before a storm or perhaps, the eye of it.

Surrounded by chaos, these periods of deceptive silence can help us to fine tune our characters and to become the person we will be tomorrow. Without staying current on our emotions and desires, we can set out in a direction only to find we have ceased to care about reaching it; this is, I suppose, the reason people often say that “it is not the destination, but the journey” that matters.

clean slate

The idea that a person can completely start over is sometimes an appealing one; it isn’t always apparent that we are who we are because of the difficulties we have faced, or that there are differences between progress and ignorance. How much easier would it be for all of us if we had no painful memories in our relationships, or of our own mistakes? Like facing the jury, sometimes the people in our life are so aware of our vulnerabilities that it becomes difficult to function. It may be that they are judging us; it may be they are there to help and offer kind advice, but it may also be the case that we are so aware of our own shortcomings that the eyes we feel upon our every move come from within.

If every person has a sense of what is right and what is wrong, and if we all can be guided by that moral intuition, than is a clean slate possible? Can you just wake up one day and decide to move cities, restart personal relationships or recreate yourself? Given that a clean slate would mean no reminders, no memories and no habits based in the past… it is implied that in order to restart you must genuinely have no trace of these things within yourself to then avoid being reminded of it by that inner compass. Perhaps these negative memories, fears or trust issues, and paranoia of being judged are really a sign from your gut to reinvent yourself. We are never really free from that which we flee from so long as we bring it with us. Just as diseases, animals and plants passed undetected into the “New World” upon the ships bringing the first settlers, sometimes we have our own stowaways that (though invisible) modify our distant futures and fresh environments. We now look back and note, historically, that the consequences of new worlds and new movements always have hidden side effects. The anthropologist or politician always brings their own views to an issue or idea, no matter how hard they try to isolate their study to the facts. Is it the same in our microcosmic lives?

at last

Etta James once said, “At last, my love has come along. My lonely days are over” but perhaps her mother never told her that unless you get comfortable in your own skin, able to love yourself and know what you want, you will always be lonely. Not because you will never find love or other such notions, but because a person who is discontent and unsure of what they feel and want my be in a room filled with others to talk to, love and be near to but if you believe that those surrounding you don’t see you as you really are, you feel as if they aren’t even there.; you feel lonely and unappreciated. When we understand ourselves we are better capable of dealing with life; we participate in healthier relationships and we know our own limits and standards. At the end of the day, regret exists mainly when we feel we could have changed an outcome by our own actions.

We cannot always look to others to figure out why we are angry, why things aren’t working or what the problems are in our lives. This sounds obvious, but how many of you right now have a giant problem in your life that you have pinpointed as, or attached to, another person? Spending time figuring out how others anger you, frustrate a situation or what THEY can change may be helpful but it may just be a vicious cycle. For the purpose of humoring me, think about your BIGGEST problem. Then force yourself to leave others out of the issue and look at how you handled it or at your own habitual actions. What moods, reactions and choices do you bring to the problem? You may not be able to bring about a resolution any faster, but you can boost your integrity and give yourself peace of mind.

comatose

Doctors use a rating scale to determine how severe the condition of a coma patient. Based on the best results in the categories of Eye Opening, Motor Skills, and Verbal Response the severity of the situation is numerically assessed based on body language. If a doctor can use a set of values to judge how able a person in physical pain is to recover from their ailments and accidents, can we rate our partners behavior at other times? In medicine, a coma is defined as not opening the eyes, not obeying commands and not uttering understandable words but how do we know when our partners have entered a relationship coma? See how your love life stands up to the Glasgow Coma Scale. Has your relationship gone comatose?

Category 1: Eye Opening = E

In times of difficulty, does your partner learn from their mistakes?

Yes – 4

When I make a good argument – 3

After things get ugly – 2

No Response – 1

Category 2: Best Motor Skills = M

In times of difficulty, does your partner stay to work out the problems and make a physical effort?

My partner makes time to resolve problems with me, even when I am overly upset– 6

My partner usually will see when I am upset and make time to work it out together– 5

My partner usually listens to me and offers responses patiently, but sometimes won’t make the time if other things take priority– 4

If the conversation is short, but my partner gets sick of problem solving dialog quickly or doesn’t like to take the time – 3

The problems don’t seem to faze my partner and they don’t take it seriously, no matter how upset I get – 2

No response – 1

Category 3: Best Verbal Response = V

Yes, my partner generally addresses the problem and don’t digress into name calling or blame – 5

Somewhat, but taking responsibility and admitting their role in the problem isn’t their strong point – 4

Kind of but once we bring up a problem my partner becomes irrational, feeling they are being blamed – 3

The problems don’t seem to faze my partner, no matter how upset I get – 2

No response – 1

E + M + V = 3 to 15 Coma Rating Scale;

• 90% less than or equal to 8 are in coma
• Greater than or equal to 9 not in coma
• 8 is the critical score
• Less than or equal to 8 at 6 hours – 50% die
• 9-11 = moderate severity
• Greater than or equal to 12 = minor injury